Planning your wedding is stressful. Planning your wedding night shouldn’t have to be. The tradition of wedding night sex comes from a time when the wedding night was the first time a couple would spend the night together, so there was all kinds of pressure to make it perfect. Now that more and more couples are shacking up before the big day, the level of expectation may not need to be as high.
“Many couples place an inordinate amount of stress on wedding night sex, believing that if sex isn’t had that bad luck will plague the marriage,” says relationship expert Laurel House. “That pressure is unrealistic and even romance-killing.”
The weeks leading up to a wedding can be overwhelmingly stressful, especially for couples who choose to have big, expensive parties with hundreds of people. “Once the evening is over, the newlyweds are often absolutely exhausted and unable to give of themselves anymore. And if they do try to get intimate with their new till-death partner, the combination of stress of the day, too much food or booze, plus the pressure to perform can be simply too much to reach orgasm,” says House. “The best sex isn’t had when you ‘have’ to. It’s enjoyed when you are stress-less and able to fully let go, give, take, and consume each other!”
For those couples who do want to make wedding night sex a priority (and that’s ok, too!), a little planning ahead can go a long way. “You just need to decide: Are you really going to put all of your energy into the social ritual part of this at the reception, or are you going to put your energy into the two of you, and that’s a personal choice,” says Sex Therapist Dr. Holly Richmond. “Preparation will help with disappointment because you set your expectations.”
Whether it happens for you or it doesn’t, sex on your wedding night doesn’t need to be that big of a deal. The two of you have the rest of your lives (it’s official now!) to tear each other’s clothes off — it’s not worth obsessing over before, during or after the fact. Here, six brides share their personal experiences to tell you why.
Accidentally Took a Tylenol PM
“All my friends told me they didn’t have sex on their wedding nights, but I thought we would be the exception and packed all the lingerie I received at my shower. But once we got back to our hotel room, we put on sweatpants and counted the checks and cash [from our guests]. (I didn’t have a good plan for this because I didn't realize people were going to hand us envelopes full of cash like we were in The Godfather). After we were done, I called the front desk for a Tylenol (I threw out my neck from my 20,000 lbs. of hair extensions). They sent up a Tylenol PM instead, and I didn’t notice until after I’d taken it. Then I passed out. Game over.” –Ellen
We Were Way Too Tired
“There is so much stress and pressure of what happened that day, you’re too tired. Most people just go for pizza and go to sleep. And there’s pressure for sure — your parents invite friends and family that you have never met or care for, after smiling and being pleasant for hours you just want to relax and sleep. It has to be planned big time. Sure, you can leave the party extra early, but most people don’t do that because everyone wants to stay and dance.” –Gilda
Ranch Dressing > Sex
"Our room at the Beverly Hills Hotel was covered with rose petals from every rose from our ceremony, and I just remember walking through them in bare feet, ordering chicken fingers and french fries with ranch dressing and passing out.” –Cathy
Not in the Mood
“I think most people don’t have sex. We have sex all the time now, there is no need to have sex on your wedding night. No one wants to. You're exhausted and probably drunk and just want to pass the fuck out.” –Amanda
We Wanted to Enjoy the Party
"If you’re having sex on your wedding night, you’re doing it wrong. I wanted to enjoy the party that I had put so much into planning, I didn’t care if we both went home and passed out drunk." –Kara
And just so you know it is still possible for it to be great (even if it takes some planning):
“We had talked about it and planned ahead. I had brought it up and we both agreed that it was important to both of us. We planned out what were some things that we can do to make sure we make it to the wedding night, and he had it in his mind to make sure he didn't get wasted. We went back to the room and ripped each others clothes off, on the bed, off the bed, on the chair, on the balcony, all over the whole room. The whole day was so amazing, and we had all the emotions and all the feelings, and neither of us were too drunk. All the emotions of the day culminated in this crazy amazing sex” –Gina
Angelia DiAntonio of Louisville and Tobias Becker of Cuyahoga Falls were married Oct. 15, 2016, at St. Peter Catholic Church, by the Fr. Edward L. Beneleit.
Parents of the bride are Anthony and Janice DiAntonio of Louisville. Parents of the groom are Bernd and Heidi Becker of Hasel, Germany.
The maid of honor was Victoria Ranalli, friend of the bride. The bridesmaids were friends of the bride, Julie Evanoff, Elizabeth Banks, Brittany Padgett, Stephanie Hillensbeck, Sarah Leaman, and Dorothy Klein.
The best man was Jonathon Minelli, friend of the groom. The groomsmen were friends of the groom, Michael Marvin, Caleb Gaffney, and Dale Banas; and brothers of the bride, Marc DiAntonio, John DiAntonio, and Nicholas DiAntonio.
A reception was held at Santangelo's Party Center in Massillon. Following the wedding, the couple honeymooned in Hawaii.
The bride graduated from Louisville High School and Kent State University; and is employed by Patriot Software.
The groom graduated from Mission Hills High School and Kent State University, and is employed by MRI Software.
After the "I dos" and post-reception, the wedding night should climax in, well, just that! (Or immediately passing out after an exhausting day and too much champagne. Either or, really.) But for Ciara and her new hubs Russell Wilson, the wedding night was extra special. In July 2015, the now-married duo announced that they were abstaining from sex until they were officially wed — a decision that drew much public criticism, in part due to the fact that Ciara was already mom to two-year-old Future Zahir Wilburn, whom she shares with her ex-fiancé rapper Future.
But the pair certainly got down to business after their fairytale wedding in Cheshire, England — and even shared what went down in that hotel suite via Snapchat! But if newlyweds' choice for a sexless pre-"I do" relationship still has you going "BUT WHY?!," Ciara is finally opening up on what led to her and her hubby's decision.
The R&B songstress recently sat down with Cosmopolitan South Africa and got real with the glossy about her resolution to remain abstinent until she tied the knot with her honey. It all started with a conversation with Wilson about the "intimacy part" of their romantic relationship, where the two learned that they were totally in sync.
"I have to give credit to my husband for sharing those views. It's awesome how it all worked out," said Ciara. "We women think with our hearts and with our minds. When we see a guy, we envision what he's like and whether this could be something special. Guys see us from an exterior point of view — that's something I learned along the way as a woman... You shouldn't feel like you have to give your body away to get someone to like you." Amen, sister friend.
So would "I Bet" singer still stay out of the boudoir if she had to do it all over again? You bet.
"I really believe that when you focus on a friendship, you have the opportunity to build a strong foundation for a relationship," Ciara explained. "And once you know you're really great friends and you're what we call 'equally yoked' — where you share the same values or the same outlook on life — it kind of sets the tone."
"Knowing that you'll always have the friendship and that you can always go back to it is very important, and very powerful."
Shopping for a wedding prom dress as a size 14 is no cake walk, just ask model and advocate Jennie Runk, who married the love of her life, Andria, in October 2016 while wearing a stunning, figure-hugging gown. But finding that perfect wedding dress, was no easy feat. Here, Jennie details her own less-than-perfect experience.
I’m one of the most confident people I know. But I haven’t always been confident in my own skin. Growing up, I was always taller and bigger than the girls (and most of the boys) my age. I’ve been fortunate that modeling for over the past ten years has given me the opportunity to really accept my body for everything it is: big, curvy and beautiful.
However, leaving my first wedding dress appointment — preparing for one of the happiest days of my life — I’ve almost never felt worse about my body.
Living in New York City, I expected to have seemingly unlimited options for a wedding dress. This is one of the fashion capitals of the world, right? But in going into the first bridal boutique, I was astounded to find that they had nothing that would fit me. At a size 14 (the average size of American women, by the way), I was unable to fit into the boutique’s sample sizes of 6 or 8. The saleswoman was very sweet and tried to be accommodating — putting me in bigger skirts and holding the top of a smaller dress up to my bust to get an idea for what a larger dress might look like — but ordering a dress you’ve never tried on before for one of the biggest days of your life was something I just wasn’t ready to do.
The second boutique I visited in New York was an even bigger disaster. I felt like Julia Roberts’ character in Pretty Woman. I told the saleswoman the vision I had for my dream dress and she looked me up and down and said ‘we don’t have anything like that in your size.’ I was floored. So I walked right out of there thinking to myself that she’d made a ‘Big mistake. Big. Huge.’ in not helping me.
Now, I’ve never been much of a shopper. Growing up, I was always more interested in the next Stephen King novel than going to the mall. But shopping for my wedding dress was different — I was looking forward to it! As a model, I’ve learned to be comfortable and confident in my own skin. I’m a proud plus-size woman with big, beautiful curves! But leaving two appointments not only without a gown, but without being able to try anything my size on was completely defeating. I couldn’t imagine what the other plus-size women out there were experiencing, with lower self-esteem than mine.
I was about to resign myself to ordering a gown from the first boutique. The saleswoman was very sweet and I liked the idea of what the gown would look like. But, of course, I couldn’t try it on in my size until after it was purchased. I just didn’t want to shop anymore. Any fun that was supposed to come from wedding dress shopping had been sucked out by stores failing to carry a wider selection of sample sizes. It’s not like they weren’t available; the stores just didn’t carry them.
On a trip home to Missouri, my mom and sister convinced me to try shopping again. I was not interested in putting myself in a position to feel miserable about my body again, but still wasn’t happy with the options I’d found in NYC. I finally agreed to give St. Louis shopping a try.
To my delight, Maiden Voyage Bridal in Manchester, Missouri was completely different. I described my dream dress to the saleswoman and she seemed to get it instantly. The onsite seamstress was able to open up any dress I wanted so I could actually try on the dresses to see what the final product would look like. To this day, I don’t understand why every store doesn’t do this. It seemed like just part of their process to take the sample dresses apart and then sew them back together. That’s what they’re there for, right?
With some slight tweaking and pulling together the right accessories, I fell in love with a gown and never wanted to take it off!
I’m thrilled with my wedding dress (and even spent much less money than I expected!), but getting there was such a discouraging process. The fashion industry has done such a great job of moving towards inclusivity for all sizes, but in my experience, much of the bridal industry hasn’t caught up yet. I wish designers included a larger range of sample sizes to send to bridal shops, which would have made my experience — and that of so many other women — much more positive. Just because you’re a size 14, or 22, or even a size 2, doesn’t mean that the experience of shopping for your wedding dress should be any less special than someone who fits into the sample sizes 6-8.
My advice? Call the boutiques before venturing out to see if the stores have wedding occasion dresses options in your size. Some day soon, I hope to see every bridal boutique carry a wider range of sample sizes. But until then, set yourself up for success by just calling ahead.
Jennie Runk, an American model represented by New York’s JAG Models, has graced the cover of fashion magazines and starred in H&M summer swimwear campaign. Born in Georgia and raised in Missouri, Jennie was discovered in a Petsmart while volunteering for a cat adoption service. A proud (and recently married!) member of the LGBTQ community, Jennie is passionate about inclusion and empowerment for all people. Considered plus-size by the fashion industry, Jennie will be starring in the Straight/Curve documentary where she’ll share her compelling perspective on the future of her industry.
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